I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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