ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
