I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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