Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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