So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I've blown a few things in my day
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
