someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
