I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
