sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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