If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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