So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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