I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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