you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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