I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm gonna fight the coyote
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
