There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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