??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
