I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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