This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
