he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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