You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
