I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
