Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
