Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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