I puked a lego.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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