Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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