puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
