My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
