Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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