You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
