I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
