You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Randomize
