you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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