now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Randomize