I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
