woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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