You were right. It hurts to walk today.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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