I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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