the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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