words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize