I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
