Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
