I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
