Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
