My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
