I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
