im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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