her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
