I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
