Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
