sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
