I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
