Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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