Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I'm at about main and main street
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
