You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
