Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
