I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
