If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
