i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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