i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
