I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
