I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
