He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You should frame my arrest warrant.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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