Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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