Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
