I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
