I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
