Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Randomize
