she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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