You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
