Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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